October 06, 2011

I see dead people, and we’re breathing the ashes. It’s raining black roses, and we’re walking our graves. Were marching on thorns, but feel no pain, because we are already dead.

You gave me up for adoption... and gave me a family, sent me to live with the rest of humanity that I’m still longing to understand. You implanted me into her womb... birthed me into a religion that allowed me to call myself a Christian, and so, I have no choice but to follow you… well, isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?.

But You, You call Yourself my father... 

but like the Israelites You delivered me, right into the hands of the Philistines. -I was only nine- but I must have done something to convince You that I deserved to be removed from Your protection, and I was never able to decide if it was Your fault, his fault, or mine. It was a while before I really understood what it meant to be molested and so for years I went on like it didn’t affect me. In the back of my mind, confused, but I could never ask why. Why it was that each time it happened, it was far over maximum capacity in a 3 bedroom row home, and still it happened, as if it was just the two of us… alone. 

He was only supposed to be a visitor in my home.

I could never ask why me and not somebody else because I’d rather take the bullet then have another little girl suffer from it. I could never ask why such a familiar face, in such a familiar place but only hope that You had a purpose behind it. And I know that Your time, doesn’t match up with mine, but I was only…. nine, and I only knew as much about molestation as I knew about keeping a secret-- Anything that you even think you’d get in trouble for, you’d be stupid to tell.

And as I grew, my curiosity did also, and so, I explored.  Like a mother, 7 months 10 centimeters dilated, I delivered prematurely—my body. But I was convinced that surely, it was okay, because we... we were going to get married.. He “loved” me.. but wouldn’t even know to spell God, with a capital “G”. I knew in the back, no.. in the front of my mind that things would end badly. You told me no, but even so, that propelled me to go. And like a leech.. I lived parasitically feeding off his lies, sexual highs, and negative energy.

I was a proton...

And chemically there was no repulsion between him and me. 

Ionic bond, but truthfully, we were bounded more by selfishness than energy, because selflessly, I truly wanted to see him happy, but selfishly, I only wanted it to be with me.

Never a criminal in the physical, but mentally I always kept my finger on the trigger, pointed in his direction, ready to fire at the first sight of negligence or rejection because I refused to get shot down first; and be the one that was left hurt. But all the while it was deception, I was aiming at his reflection, and each time, the bullet--deflected. My heart, now wounded and bruised, but it was me who gave consent for the abuse.

Caged.. behind carbon steel bars, I hardened it...

And guarded with a sign that read “long. live. the dead.” You see, externally I was living but internally I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually deceased. And so I turned to my friends, but when they turned their backs on me, I was forced to decide who I wanted to be. Raised in the church, but it was long before I made up my mind as far as who I wanted God to be for me.

Silent in presence but in my heart I would scream, My God if you’re real, reveal yourself to me!

...And that’s when He broke it down to me. I walked into His classroom and took a seat, Revelation. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Heaven 101, but before we begin, I want you to look at the person to your left, now at the person to your right, chances are…. None of you’ll make it. & That’s because you keep tryna fake it.” See I had long felt the conviction and decided to change, but it required too much dedication, so I cut sinning down from full to part time, just to get by, and all the while I was still getting paid. But “for the wages of sin is death” so I knew I was long gone…. Each time I went to cash in my check, the check hyper extended, striking right through my name in His Book of Life. Elizabeth: … means consecrated to God, so I knew my destiny was eternal, but erased by the tears He shed each time He looked down at me and saw shame, insecurity, and everything in between. When what He should’ve seen, was his own reflection.

Unable to put a name to my face, I thought surely he would spew me.

But instead He used his tears and built an oasis, and centered in the middle was me. Like Guerilla warfare, he attacked my heart, invaded my thoughts, and set fire to my will; I surrender… But I won’t –just- surrender some, because you gave your only son, not just for some, but for the victims and the villains, the joyful and the hurt, the prostitutes and the pimps, the shy and the flirts. So

I, will, submit to you.

I will not be a Bible based Christian who memorizes, but does not apply your word. I will not be an ipod Christian, only willing to hear you speak, when it’s through lyrics on top of a beat. I will not be a closet Christian because I wouldn’t be free, if you would’ve hid your love for me. They told me you could make me new, and I’m glad that I chose to believe…. Because otherwise, I would’ve never been free.. Thanks for waiting so patiently, but you can terminate the adoption,

I’m ready to be yours again. 


-Your Daughter